Photo by Jernej Graj on Unsplash

'What are you doing? Come back to bed.' I dimly register the plaintive plea from my sleepy and confused son, but replying is difficult.

“I can’t, it hurts.” I manage in reply.

In fact, ‘it hurts’ is a massive understatement. Lying next to him was excruciating and it is barely better now I am standing by the bed. It was some time past 11pm and he’d woken twice already sensing something unusual. Each time I lay down he closed his eyes, instantly soothed. I meanwhile gritted my teeth and willed myself, against all my instincts, to stay still just a little longer, in the hope he would sleep deeply enough not to be disturbed when I got back up.

The third time I couldn’t do it. I got up and started walking, pacing the room with giant strides back and forth, back and forth as fast as I could.

It helped. I breathed more easily.

Then another wave of pain swept over and through me. I kept breathing. But I felt myself tense, involuntarily bending forwards to meet the rising sensations and hearing panic give voice to suddenly fearful thoughts.

Red hot searing pain for a minute of eternity and the words ‘What if I can’t cope?’

‘I can’t not cope,’ the internal dialogue continued, ‘This is what I do for a living, helping other women find inner confidence and trust in their body so they have amazing birth experiences. I have to succeed. Otherwise I will be a total fraud.’

With the panic, came guilt shame and crashing realisations. ‘Now I get it. Now I understand why some women beg for epidurals, caesareans, anything to take the pain away.’ I felt myself tumbling down from my superiority into humility, appreciation and empathy.

But still the fear and panic persisted with the refrain, ‘What if I can’t cope, what if I really can’t do this?’

There is a brief pause between contractions and in the respite I resume walking but a little slower. I have remembered what I forgot during my first birth- The NPA Process. NPA stands for Non Personal Awareness and it’s a simple 6 line process that can facilitate huge shifts quickly and easily.

The time is definitely ripe for some big shifts and I know exactly where to begin.

‘This scared I can’t cope, I say out loud . This energy of Scared I can’t cope…’

My son watched silently, slightly perplexed as I completed the sixth line and my walking slowed to some moments of stillness. I felt myself falling into the centre of myself. Around me the energy swirled and eddied. Reality rearranged itself.

A new wave of contractions starts.

Physically it is exactly as before. I am half doubled over in pain equally as intense as before.

This time though I emerge grinning in delight. For the next few contractions, although nothing at all about the level of pain has changed I am practically skipping for joy around my room. I no longer need to frantically pace either. Time has slowed and I have slowed with it.

So what happened?

In just a few moments my whole perspective on what was happening changed. The fear left me as my question was answered. I now knew that I could cope. I knew. Not hoped, or guessed, or rationalised or tried to talk myself into a state of positivity or self belief that I wasn't feeling. I knew from the depths of my being, from the marrow in my bone. From my heart and soul and back again I knew I could do it.

This was a true knowing that could only be experienced. It was not forced or rationalised. I did not have to give myself pep talks and remind myself of the historical statistics of successful births and the biological normality of what I was doing. I did not need to engage my neocortex and rational brain for support.

I could truly let go and trust in something so much more simple than that.

In this simplicity all the head talk and pressure evaporated along with the fear and I moved into the experience. Like in my previous post on experiencing fear in the context of trust I was now held in the context of knowing I would cope and all was well. Note: not could cope but would cope. It was a done deal that I couldn't argue with. So I didn't argue or question. All drama in the situation had left along with my doubts.

This whole doubting, worrying, panicking consciousness in fact left with as little drama as you might move from one room to another in your house. Which is in fact exactly what I did.

I moved to the bathroom and although I didn’t register it at the time the pain did finally diminish.

By the time I was pushing it was gone completely.

Although the pain left, the best gift was precisely that the pain didn't disappear immediately. That was my big agenda right. That was what I thought I needed to happen in order for all to be well. That would be success.  I wanted to be proud of my pain free achievement and paint some credibility over my insecurities and self-doubts as a birth worker.

That the level of pain had become largely irrelevant and didn't matter to me any  more was pure freedom. That I'm writing about it now, 2 years and 9 months on feels apt as Freedom is my word of the year for 2016.

There was another shift that happened in that moment too. Surrendering fully to the energy shift of that one NPA Process, (the only one I did in my whole labour,) paved the way for me to let go of all my remaining ideas of how the birth should go and allow the labour dance to unfold in its own way. Which was a good thing as I was plugged into the strongest most exhilarating flow of life force energy I have ever experienced. Like being wired up to the National Grid or perhaps holding a lightning rod as the lightning strikes. I would not have liked to have been trying to control or manage that against its will.

This surrender and letting go of the need to control how my life experiences and feelings show up is also part of my journey in freedom. Just thinking about that brings joy singing to the surface. It sounds like the song of my soul. And I hope you hear her song in my words and in her song you hear your own song and that this post sets off some inspirational shifts in your own journey.

Do let me know in the comments.

Curious to know more about The NPA Process and how it could help you?  Please click here.  

Or you can download   The NPA Process Sheet FREE here and get stuck in straight away.

 ( Links to NPA Process are Affiliate Links)

CLick on the links for more information about my transformational 121 work and Birth Confidence Package.

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

I am on the toilet. Time is meaningless to me. I have danced too far along the path to meet my baby to be completely rational. Only thing is, neither me nor my husband have quite caught up to fast pace of my baby’s arrival…He is about to trot off to try and put the pool up. I am about to have the baby in the timeless eternity that has inserted itself into about 15 or 20 ordinary minutes.

As I said I am on the toilet. I won’t go into detail but to say that it is an intense experience is an understatement.

For a moment I begin to panic. What is happening to my body? Is this normal? How can so much power be coming through this small person? Will I cope? My mind was worried for me and the concerned thoughts were triggering more layers of anxiety… Oh OK then, more like terror, that hovered just on the edge of my awareness threatening to take over.

But wait there was something else too. I changed focus to my body. Instead of floating terror there was a grounded peace. It was pale yellow and surrounded me on all sides, present both inside and out. My body actually wasn't touched by the fearful thought, it was just getting on with its job and was completely confident. All was well.

Now I had a choice. Did I reside in the terror and let it take me, or did I allow the peace to breathe me. For a few minutes there was a bit of to and fro movement.

Then I made the choice. Or the choice made me. My heart opened up in gratitude and softened in the peaceful energy. My body began to push and I started roaring like a lion.

I realized as I journalled later that it didn't matter that I felt terror because I was bathing in a different energy that was so strong and confident that it could hold the terror. This was my fear being held in the energy of confidence and peace. As long as I tuned into this greater awareness that was holding me I was OK. It was more than OK. It was liberating. I could allow all of my experience to flow through, even the tricky, so called negative emotions.

This gift of being held in a wider perspective that could hold my less desirable emotions was revealed to me through a tool called The NPA Process. The NPA Process is a deceptively simple 6 line spoken-word transformational tool created by Joel Young that helps you let go of blocks and powerfully shift your consciousness.

It was during a practice session on an NPA Community Call that I first experienced the power of accessing a different context in which to allow something challenging to be fully met. Fear rose up strongly in me during the call and I thought I wanted the fear to go. To disappear and leave me alone so I could experience something more fun, more pleasant, like say peace or joy and also get the satisfaction of feeling, Yes I've cracked it and got rid of my fear… Nope. Like mist lingering in the lower reaches of a valley untouched by the rising sun the fear persisted, heavy in my stomach, rubbing up against my shoulders, gripping me by the chest.

I was about to be disappointed and frustrated when the shift happened. I suddenly felt trust. A deep powerful trust in life and in the process. I trusted that I would be OK even with fear present. It felt like angels whispering in my ear that  all was well. It felt like a reassurance I could believe in, that I could depend on and.,. well that I could trust. This was fear in the context of trust.

It was slightly surreal to feel both simultaneously, but was a greater gift in the long term than getting rid of the fear would have been. It meant I no longer had to be so scared of feeling fear. It meant I didn’t have to wipe out every last drop of fear from my being to be sure I would be successful. It meant I could live in peace with fear and hear her gentle messages and the wisdom she was paradoxically guiding me towards.

It also gave me choice when fear came up and this certainly served me giving birth. No matter how much emotional preparation we do for birth, (and I did lots), it is impossible to predict what may happen and to what depths of your soul the labour dance may take you. Knowing I was held at every moment and could choose where to put my attention was reassuring to the doubting, worried parts of me that weren't up to speed with the all is well nature of my birth experience.

Back to the toilet. Fear and terror didn't stay there for long in the end and neither did I. As I focused on trust and peace, the space opened up around me and I opened up with it. Gradually the fear dissipated on her own and I moved to the shower.

Somewhere along the three steps it took, (we have a small bathroom,) another shift happened. Those three steps danced me too far along the labour dance to listen to my mind anymore and I just kind of got on with it with no more drama or story. I finally accepted what was happening and quietly dropped down into my womb and went to meet my baby.

Want to learn more about the transformational power of NPA?  Click here* to read all about The Process, or try it out for youself with this FREE NPA Process Sheet*

(affiliate links*)

If you are plagued by fear and would like to experience some shifts of your own check out my 1:1 services or book a clarity call to see how I can help you.

Photo by Alekon pictures on Unsplash

How do you respond when fear grabs you suddenly?

Fear can be tricky and confusing. It’s hard to maintain perspective when you are in the throes of a strong emotion like fear. It can Impair your intuition and cloud your usually good judgment. Is it a genuine warning signal of danger to act on now or is it overblown panic triggered by old memories stored in your cells or negative thought projections? Sometimes a little bit of time breathing into the emotion in a space of stillness is enough to bring you back to the ground and allow some inner wisdom to penetrate. Sometimes it takes a little more and over the years I have found lots of helpful little tips to support me to reframe my experience.

At first I used to panic and shutdown when I felt the stirrings of fear in my belly. When fear ran riot I would feel the urge to run, to shut it down, to do anything other than sit in stillness and let it run through until I could feel a more solid base through the emotion.

I thought of fear more as an enemy and obstacle to overcome than a friendly messenger. I saw her as something to push away or push through and had no idea of the possibilities that would open up if I welcomed her and experienced her with as much willingness as I would joy or happiness.

This pattern was particularly acute in pregnancy. I was vulnerable and open like many pregnant women. Birth is not an activity you can repeat until you get it right, nor is it entirely predictable and I felt the pressure which fuelled my fear.

I persevered with the innerwork and nowadays I see her as a useful friend who serves to keep me on track and motivates me to dig deeper for freedom and peace. Not necessarily a comfortable friend mind. The physical sensations that alert me to fear are the same, quickening of the pulse, shakiness in my belly for example.

I can still get scared when I’m feeling fear. But I have a number of tools and tips that help me out. One of the earliest breakthroughs came from playing with the letters of the word itself. I created an acronym that totally freed up my way of experiencing fear. This ability to let the scaredness run through without letting it run me into hasty fear based decisions took some practice. I had deep grooves and was used to freezing up in the face of fear.

However, with a new perspective I suddenly found fear much easier to handle and without squashing it down was able to work with it and still keep going towards my goals. I remember the first time very clearly and use it as a reminder whenever I forget. The overwhelmingly frightening experience of fear as stronger than me dropped away and I moved from powerlessness to an exciting sense of possibility.

Ok so enough explanation. Here are my two perspectives on fear: The first is the way I used to experience and see fear and the second is my experience using my acronym.

F.E.A.R. Frightening Energy Always Returns.

Looming blackness hovering round the edges of my vision, dread, like a dead weight pulling down at my stomach, pulling my leaden feet down into the earth so I can no longer move, crushing my chest so I can no longer catch my breath. Panic, swirling round me so fast I can’t keep up or make sense of the sensations. I can’t think straight. It’s stronger than me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do it anyway. I just want to get out of here. Now.

Or

F.E.A.R. Fresh Energy Appearing Rapidly.

I notice the quickening, in my breath, in my being and all around me and I stay still. I know it is just energy. I feel it moving fast towards me and through me and I keep breathing. Even though my breath catches at first, I stay with it. I send myself love and compassion and I wait. I breathe more deeply and I find I can appreciate this strong energy as it moves and I stay still in it. I notice the speed of the energy. I feel its vibrations. It buzzes. I keep breathing and I am still alive. I calm and I begin to see. I am still here. The whole world has not ended. All will be well. I am brave and I open fully into the energy and I move through it. I remember that I can do this. The message becomes clear and I can move beyond, richer for the experience, stronger for the journey.

How differently did you feel as you read each description?

If you read quickly skimming through then have another go.

You may like to take a pen and paper or journal to note down any insights.

Shake yourself into a neutral place before starting then go back and read each one again slowly. Feel your way into each statement and notice how you are sitting, how you are breathing and how your body responds to the words. After the first statement bring yourself back to neutral then read the second one through in a similar way.

How did you experience it this time?

For me contemplating Fear as fresh energy appearing rapidly feels like freedom. I am much more able to cope with fear when it is just energy and it helps me to meet that particular fear freshly each time. Somehow it loses its charge. Its power to cripple me and leave me enslaved to its demands is gone

No matter how much emotional preparation we do during our pregnancy (and I do highly recommend innerwork and emotional preparation) we cannot be sure we will not meet our old friend FEAR just around the corner at an unexpected and possibly vulnerable moment. Shifting my perspective and transforming my relationship with fear has been fantastically freeing for me and I hope you will also benefit.

Do let me know in the comments how you find it.

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

In my last post at the beginning of 2016 I created a gift for you; a guided visualisation to support you to replenish your energy in a sustainable way and to remain strong and centred in your own energy field. ( If you haven’t listened yet then I recommend you hop over and check it out, it's just ten minutes long and several people have told me how much they enjoyed it) This post illustrates the benefits of repetition and regular listening and demonstrates how long lasting the positive effects can be.

As I write, January is drawing to a close already and the New year is not so new any more. This is the typical time when New Year’s resolutions fall away, old habits creep back in and before you know it you’ve abandoned your new routine and slipped back into a default pattern. Repetition is powerful and eventually creates deep grooves that are easy to maintain. It can be easy to fall by the wayside though as you struggle to maintain a new pattern. In this post I wish to inspire and encourage you to keep going by sharing a story that illustrates the power of repetition and the rewards of putting the effort in now. My break through came at a point when I was heavily pregnant with my second son and panicking over the possibility of losing my desired birth experience to medical issues.

The back story.

When I was pregnant with my first I found the energy of being pregnant a little like New Year. Knowing I had another soul to care for who was totally dependent on me galvanised me into action, to improve my diet, exercise, meditate. I felt like I had a fresh new start and second chance to start over where I had fallen behind on my resolutions and good intentions.

I threw myself into hypnobirthing CDs and downloads and Pregnancy Yoga DVD’s. I would have gone to classes but I couldn't find any that worked with my schedule. Instead I made a 2 hour playlist of hypnobirthing, guided visualisations and healing chants. I played it every night, sometimes on repeat at a very low volume. Whenever I felt nervous or worried I would play one of my CDs, do some Yoga Nidra or go out for a walk. I always felt better afterwards. In addition to this I did plenty of inner work on any issues that came up.

Sometimes I thought I may be going a bit overboard, but I kept going.

I felt an inner pull, a strong soul urge towards the deep inner work and whatever could support me in birthing at home the way I dreamed. By the time I came to give birth I was excited and confident even though I was nervous at the grand adventure and newness of welcoming my baby to earth.

All my efforts paid off and I had a wonderful home water birth which I have written a little about here.

Fast forward 3 years

I was preparing to welcome my second. Throughout the pregnancy I kept up with the inner work with 1:1 processes and the yoga practice, but I let the additional ongoing regular support that the hypnobirthing cds had offered me slide. I kept meaning to set up a playlist and listen and then forgetting. Life was busy with a toddler and I eventually forgot completely.

Then one day I had a high blood pressure reading at my midwife appointment. She tried again, it was worse. A third time even worse, which was no surprise as I was panicking and so, apologetically, she sent me in to the hospital be checked. Over the next few days I was checked, including on a 24 hour blood pressure cuff that activates every 30 minutes.  This revealed what I instinctively felt.  At home my blood pressure was fine, on testing and at hospital it rose.  All other tests were clear. I was given the all clear to carry on with my plans

The thing was the whole incident had left me in a state of panic that I couldn't quite shift. I felt the fear as pressure in my head and then would worry that maybe although the last reading was OK , perhaps now it had gone up again and something was wrong. What if, what if, what if…. I talked myself down.  I went for a walk. The fear and panic remained hovering on the edges of my consciousness and I couldn't relax. My BP readings were all over the place as I tried to calm myself.

 I went to stay with my parents to try and relax. 

At my parents I suddenly had a flash of inspiration. One of those that feels like the whispers of Angels directly into my heart.  One where I know even before I act on the impulse that here is the answer. One where I just know… I got out my favourite track from my first pregnancy Fear release: flying high, settled back and pressed play.

Even though I had been following such a strong impulse I was still taken aback by what happened. With the first few notes of music and opening lines I dropped straight into a deep relaxation. The whole burden of worry just slipped right off me. I was transported back to the days before my first son’s birth and the joy of his actual birth experience too.

Like a direct download into my cells, into the space created by the deep relaxation I knew everything was OK and would be OK. The pressure that was pounding the inside of my head faded away. I was touched deeply by the activation of such a strong body memory and the strength of it carried me for my final few weeks. I was also motivated to finally make a playlist again and take the little actions I had been putting off.

When the time came I once again gave birth at home, this time on land and you can read more about that here.

This incident brought a few wise truths home to me.

1. The power of repetition. Everyone says it right? You do a hypnobirthing class or any other class for that matter and that starts you off, but it's the continued work you do at home that really makes the difference. In my case the association was so strong that three years later it still had the power in a matter of seconds, to completely shift my state of being from fear and worry to relief, confidence and joy.

2. It is never too late to make a start or to change your perspective. All of this happened in the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy.

3. The universe is friendly and wants you to succeed no matter what it looks or feels like to you now. There are answers waiting to find you and they are often simple and under your nose.

4. Even though simple they still need to be actioned to work. The hardest part may be getting started. Or it may be starting over when you fall off the wagon.  But every day, every moment you get a second chance. Nothing is lost, nothing is wasted.

5. No matter how busy I was there was always time and it was easier than I thought to start again and incorporate the CDs back into my life. Even with a toddler and a business I found some time, I just needed to get creative.   In bed before I awoke and my favourite, on low on repeat at sleep time. Sometimes I would listen to one at normal volume then when I felt sleepy turn the volume right down so I could barely hear it. I knew that this would not disturb my sleep but my subconscious would still be able to hear and it would work its magic as I slept.

Still now I sometimes listen  to the track and it helps me. I also created my own fear release track to support my clients and readers to move from fear to confidence. ( If you haven't listened to it yet and are interested then go here to access both this and the New Year's Gift Guided Visualisation in one go.) I hope you enjoyed this post and are inspired to listen to something that uplifts and supports you.

Below are links to the tracks I listened to in pregnancy and other resources I mention in the post. (This is not an exhaustive list, just what I used but are a good place to start.)

I would love to hear from you. How do you keep on track and keep your momentum going? What success stories would you like to share?

Resource List.

Fear Release Flying High, the track that caused my dramatic shift is available from their Positive Birth Website  When I was pregnant there was just a beautiful selection of tracks. These are still available individually or in packs and they have added a  whole hypnobirthing package.

Natal hypnotherapy provides a comprehensive range of hypnobirthing, relaxing and fear release materials that I really enjoyed.

Inner talk make relaxing music or nature sounds with subliminal postive affirmations embedded in the sound.They do one called Comfortable Pregnancy and one called Wonders of Childbirth. 

Disclaimer

I share my personal story to inspire and encourage you to follow your dreams and desires. I do not guarantee any particular results from listening to these CDs ( though I do recommend them, hypnobirthing in general and inner work to clear out what may be blocking you.) And, It is obvious I know but hypnobirthing CDs are not a substitute for medical support and should you have any concerns about you or your baby’s well being please contact your midwife or care provider.

Photo by Wil Stewart on Unsplash

In the relative calm of these last few days of the year after the whirlwind of Christmas I am reflective. The New Year is nearly here. I can feel the freshness approaching and I want to offer myself and you a gift to mark the beginning of the approaching fresh new adventures. Something both beautiful and useful. Something quick and simple that is easy to fit into a busy life.

2015 was a year of growth and challenges. Of breaking through my comfort zone over and over. I was glad of my self care routine and guided visualisations even if I had to press reset several times when my practice slipped. As a busy mother of young children I am always glad of ways to increase my energy levels.

With that aim, I have created a short ( 10 minute) guided visualisation that will help replenish your energy levels and support you in maintaining healthy boundaries.  Click below to download an audio recording  or keep reading for  how to instructions to do by yourself.

This gift was inspired by a chat with a fellow birthworker who described how she sometimes felt drained after spending time with a client who needed a lot of support. She so wanted to help her and make a difference but found herself being pulled into the situation, her energy sapped until she had nothing left to give.

I related as I also, despite the many tools I have at my disposal sometimes forget and find myself overwhelmed with extreme fatigue due to lack of sleep and lack of self care. It’s usually my children who trigger this pattern. This guided visualisation is also my gift to myself to mark my commitment to build on my own self care routine, looking after myself with the same attention and dedication I show my children until it becomes automatic.

It’s a common scenario, not just for birth workers but for all of us. We care so much for the loved ones in our lives, we do our best to give everything of ourselves and we forget to offer the same level of dedicated care and nurturing to ourselves.

Holiday periods such as Christmas can amplify this kind of tendency to give and give until we drop. It tends to highlight any holes in your self care as many people gather together.

 Pregnancy is another potential straw for the camel's back if you have any gaps in healthy boundaries and self care routine.

 As someone who is very sensitive to the energy of others already when I was pregnant my heightened awareness of mood and atmosphere was particularly strong and I needed to make a regular practice of clearing my energy field, grounding to a more solid Earth energy and honouring how I was feeling and the job I was doing to bring my children to the world.

I still need to do this and as I said I sometimes forget, or use the endless to do lists in an every shrinking window of time as an excuse to put it off. But although as a mother of young children I can no longer dedicate long hours in a single block of time for meditation and quiet time as often as I would like I am no longer willing to use this as an excuse for no self care at all.

Guided visualisations are one of my favourite tools to help me to remain centred, grounded and calm whilst being engaged with people, sometimes in busy, noisy environments that bombard my senses. Remaining calm and centred when all around you is chaos or there are multiple demands on your time and energy is a great skill to cultivate for everyone.

This guided visualisation will help you to align yourself with the Mothering Energy of the Earth and the Universal Life Force Energy. With practice you will be able to access this in an instant and shift your mindset and subsequently your energy levels very quickly. It is particularly beneficial whilst pregnant to maintain a stable stress free environment for your growing baby. I use this quided visualisation before any healing session or when I will be in a situation with a lot of people or other challenging situation. It will support you to give your all without being depleted.

Summary of benefits:

• Protects you from the overload of busy hyper energy and adrenalin and stress, super important if you are pregnant and useful for all of us.
• Helps prevent you from leaking energy or being affected by ‘energy vampires’ when you can’t remove yourself form the situation or take time out.
• Reduces the risk of crash burn and overwhelm instead replenishing and reenergising you in a quick enjoyable way.
• Creates a healthy habit that you can apply all year round.

So now it's over to  you. Click below to download an audio version  or just close your eyes and have a go. 

I love to hear from you, Did you enjoy this and find this helpful?

What are your favourite practices to maintain your energy in challenging situations?