Category Archives for "Birth Trauma and Lineage Healing"
Stories, tips and exercises on the subject of healing birth trauma, intergenerational and Soul lineage trauma and reiminprinting your birth.
Stories, tips and exercises on the subject of healing birth trauma, intergenerational and Soul lineage trauma and reiminprinting your birth.
This week I had a fabulous opportunity to be interviewed by friend and mentor, Joel Young, Founder of the NPA Process and host of the Be a Brilliant Human Podcast and we delved into some great topics surrounding healing your own birth.
It always amazes me how many people have not considered their own birth as a factor in how they choose to birth their children, especially if they have unexplained fears. But it is not just a useful exploration for when you are expecting a child. In this episode I delve into why it matters for all of us, especially now, and how much our experience us when we were being born may still be impacting us now.
It was super fun, I hope you enjoy it.
Stop the Train, I want to get off!
Anyone else been feeling like this of late, or any time over the last year really?
I’ve had this feeling a number of times Usually a final small thing, the proverbial straw that broke the camels back comes along and breaks me. It seems there is just too much change, too fast and each time I think things are calming down something else happens.
This year has been tough on so many and perhaps all of us in one way or another. For some it is complete overwhelm, home schooling children whilst working from home and perhaps with a precarious or reduced family income, whilst recovering from Covid, for others it is total isolation and removal of all their usual support system. For many of us it has been both simultaneously.
Alongside coping with our various personal situations we are all feeling the collective grief, fear and emotional states. There is so much grief over the loss of all we thought certain and steady, grief for lost loved ones and lost loved activities, fear of death and illness and of more changes and an uncertain future. There are concerns over moves to a more authoritarian state, polarised opinions and emotions running high. The planet is noisy and everything is shifting fast.
It is no wonder we sometimes wish we could just get the train to stop, just for a little while, a little relief.
Last week I found myself at breaking point again, nothing different really, perhaps a child saying no he sees no reason to tie his laces or come for dinner. Something small. But I found myself yelling internally STOP, enough. I felt overwhelmed with too many changes too fast, too much information to process and too many things to do. You may well recognise the scene or something similar, where three children simultaneously yelling for different reasons and yanking at your clothes whilst the door bell rings and the phone also rings and you know there is something else you need to do before a certain time and you can’t hear yourself think and dinner is burning too.
So if you recognise something of your own situation in this description please read on.
First, I’d like to tell you a story I heard years ago and have always remembered (no idea who to attribute the story to if you know do drop me a line)
The basic gist I remember goes like this:
A group of intrepid mountaineers have planned a trip. They are in the Himalayas and have hired a team of Sherpas to carry their equipment. They have a schedule. They are happy they are making good progress against their timetable. They are making such good time they find themselves two days ahead of schedule and are celebrating the extra time they have. They are looking forwards to their main climb which is still some days away across country. The sun is shining, they are tired but energised and in good spirits.
Then the next morning their Sherpas sit down and refuse to move. Until now they have cheerfully followed the mountaineers schedule. But now nothing can persuade them to move another step. Their reason: They have walked too far, too fast. Now their souls need to catch up. They will wait in this spot until they feel their soul has caught up.
I can picture the surprise and consternation of the Western mountaineers faced with a different mentality and beliefs to their own and I can also feel the truth in what the Sherpas told them.
And here is how that showed up for me, and what this has to do with our current situation and healing birth trauma.
When the overwhelm descended last week I booked a session with a colleague. I opened into the energy of wanting the train to stop so I could get off back and back to its origin. This was not the first time I had felt like this and the original pain was only being triggered by similarities in our current situation to the original situation. I found myself back as a new born baby. A sensitive empathetic baby who was overwhelmed with the noise and everyday activity of this new world she was born into. The birth had been a big experience for her. The first big transition of her life, where everything was changing and she had no control over her environment and no idea what was going to happen next. Bright lights, talking- no longer muffled- from many different, unfamiliar voices, no rhythmic pulsing of her mother’s heart, no comforting feel of the umbilical cord and placenta which is all she had known. The strange sensation of the space around her. It was all just too much at once. Even one of those things would have been a major experience to process.
I went back just a little to when I was half in and half out of my mother. To the first moment when I kind of knew what was about to happen and I was screaming for more time. It was happening too fast and was too much to cope with. I wasn’t ready, I needed time. Time for my soul to catch up.
In this healing process I was able to ask for this. It was the most curious feeling. Time literally stopped. As if I had taken a photograph of the moment and then entered and become the photograph. Yet I was alive and experiencing myself not in this world in a space of stillness and silence. The pause that I had needed. I stayed there and let myself feel supported by the spirit world as my soul caught up and poured itself into my body. I felt my body and soul gradually relax. Time out from the fast and furious pace I had been experiencing in the powerful energy that is birth.
After a few timeless minutes, and if you have given birth and experienced the way time can go all kooky then you know what that feels like, I was then ready. The image shifted and the baby me was born, this time she was able to cope with the noise and bright lights. She had the resilience and presence she needed. She had something I cannot put into words. A sense of peace and rightness with where she was and what was happening no matter how challenging. The knowledge that she would get through this and it would be ok even if she couldn’t see how or know what would happen. I trusted this feeling and this knowledge.
This was integrated all the way up to the present day where I am still working my way through life with Covid restrictions, my business, my family, my dreams, and all of life ahead but once more with peace in my heart, a greater sense of trust in life that everything is working out well, and feeling supported in that. It makes all the difference especially in these challenging times.
If this story speaks to you, I suggest first asking your body and your soul if they need time out and time to catch up and if yes plan it into your schedule. Plan some time to do nothing very much, listen to the birds, rest in nature or in your bath tub.
If you would like to go deeper and explore how your birth experience is impacting on your present day life then please message me to see how I might support you. I offer 121 healing and support via zoom.
This New Year is galloping ahead already. First week of school nearly gone, and I am still setting intentions for the year ahead. It promises to be an interesting year and possibly a revolutionary transformative year for many. One in which I feel the call to really break free of any lingering conditioning that keeps me small or silent.
I’m on the path, I have no idea where it is leading but I’m taking steps and the guidance and insights are already nudging me along. Like Joel Youngs mini traning series - Secrets To Rocking Your 2020 Intentions (So They Actually Have An Impact & Get You What You Want)on his Be a brilliant human podcast, In the first part of the 4 part training Joel shares a story of him as a young boy lighting dry grass with a magnifying glass to illustrate how setting and manifesting intentions works. In part two the theme is on acknowledging the wholeness of you to achieve your unique focus and he revisits fire story again. As I listened for the second time I was struck with my own memory of me at a similar age trying to set paper alight.
My story is slightly different as I stopped before I succeeded.
As I became that girl again for a few moments and felt into why she stopped and what she had really wanted I saw how this was an ongoing pattern that had repeated subtly throughout my life and was impacting my success in many areas.
The young girl Charlotte was totally fascinated and wanted to make a proper fire. But she got scared as the paper turned black and the smoke started to rise. She hurriedly stopped, with a furtive glance over her shoulder to check if anyone was watching. She was scared of getting in trouble. She could see all too clearly the scene if she was discovered and the telling off that would follow. Secretly, she wanting to be more wild than this. She had fantasies of being a wild bush woman. But she was too scared of starting something that she couldn’t control and got too big for her and then she really would be in trouble.
No matter the burning inferno scenario was so unlikely in England on a green grassy lawn, she stopped, but reluctantly, regretfully. It was a bind being such a good girl sometimes.
As I zoomed back out to the present day I was painfully aware of all the times in my life I have stopped short before putting the full idea or dream into action. Keeping small and hidden and then feeling bad inside and settling for the hit approval gave me instead of fulfilment.
The good news is that this is no longer my story. I has lingered way too long and yet it’s definitely on it’s way out. Last year I found myself stepping up in new ways that were not small and hidden. I found myself running a Birth Summit on Finding your Confidence to birth the way you want and not the way you are settling for. This is exactly the learning that I have been putting into practice in my own life in the way that we teach what we are ourselves learning. Despite any inner doubter that would question my own authority as a relative unknown birthworker I contacted those whose message I loved and respected and overwhelmingly they said yes with enthusiasm and the Summit was created with 27 interviews and 5 classes over the month of November last year. You can now catch up here if you missed it. There is such a wealth of information from some amazing women and I highly recommend you watching if you feel the pull and have a habit of holding back on the fullness of your dreams through fear.
Back to the fire story. I zoomed back down to me as a young girl then carried backwards every younger. I see myself hesitant, shy, living in my secret inner world where I am more confident and outgoing. I trace back further. To myself as a baby being born.
I am familiar with my experience of being born even though I have no conscious memory in ordinary waking daily life. From time spent healing the way I was born. I notice the pattern was there in my energy field and got activated and concretised during birth.
As I was in the process of being born, I felt overwhelmed. Life was too big, loud and different. I was not sure I was ready and I hesitated. But things were taken out of my control and I was helped out by the doctor. I felt small, helpless and daunted. I felt that I would have to be more secretive and hide what I wanted. Not the best way to get what you want I think now.
I continue backwards out of the womb and reconnect to a different energy. A larger essence that is also me. I come back in. Now it is different. Now I feel joy. I am delighted by life even in its bigness and my relative smallness. I feel love for the small me. I see and experience the same birth story as before but I can also hold in my field the delight of life and it changes everything. My DNA is different. My feelings towards myself and my capabilities are transformed. I carry this expanded awareness forwards through my life. I feel my own wholeness that is present even as life’s challenges hit me. I can tap into the delight of being alive and I am not holding back anymore. This awareness changes the programming in my cells and it opens up the possibilities in my life right here and now.
This is the energy I am starting 2020 with. And it is this kind of open field freedom energy possibility that I want you to start 2020 with too. Our planet and our children certainly need us to step up into the wholeness of our being and take action right now.
To support you in this I am offering my BirthBlueprint Reading and Healing Sessions at a super introductory offer price. . These sessions look at the map of your essential wholeness that is uniquely you revealed by your own birth story. They comprise an intuitive reading based on the facts of your birth and a healing session that will address the wounds and unhelpful programming you may have suffered during birth.
This is amazing transformative work. Healing your own birth experience is often the missing link for you when you are pregnant. If you are scared, you don’t really know why and hypnobirthing is not touching the sides then healing your birth story may be the missing link you are searching for. This work is also the key to reconnecting to your inner wholeness and passion for life that will fire you up to make a difference in 2020. Now is the time to step up bold and brave and put into action all those secret dreams you have been holding back on.
If this sounds interesting to you drop me a message at firstname.lastname@example.org or comment below and I will send you all the details.
In the mean time Happy New Year and here’s to an amazing revolutionary 2020.
“Do you have a message for me?” I asked through my tears and grief.
“Remember,” she smiled. “Remember you are this too… “
I took a deep breath. Something in my brain couldn’t quite compute this message.
Me? Could I really be this too?
I was connecting with my unborn baby and she had just said good bye. She was not to be born in physical form - this time at least. Though I was reeling with the shock and pain I was hugely comforted by her presence. She was so gentle and loving. I felt her to be a wise sacred being and I was in total awe of her Divine Presence. No way was I Divine and Sacred like that.
But she smiled, she nodded and as I in a confused state of shock, hesitantly and reluctantly accepted her message, it was time for her to leave.
She’d made herself known with the same gentle wisdom even before I was pregnant. During a specific guided process, I had met her across a bridge. A small girl who nevertheless packed a huge punch in the sacred presence department that left me blasted wide open in love.
This is the energy of the future I reflected later. These are the children we are welcoming to the planet right now, this is part of the evolution of humanity, the consciousness that wants to be born on this planet at this time. Amazing.
And she was ready to come to me. I was delighted and quite blown away. I felt my heart open with love each time I remembered that first meeting... But did I feel worthy? Was I equally ready for her to come to me?
She came anyway. I knew it before the lines on the stick confirmed it to me. So I set about preparing for her arrival. For me that is always at least as much about the inner work as the practical. When I align my inner world the outer journey is always an easier ride.
But it wasn’t to be.
One day shy of 15 weeks I began to bleed. Two days later a scan confirmed what I already knew; they were very sorry but there was no heartbeat.
The next few weeks were a blur in many ways. Ordinary life continued as I waited for the miscarriage to complete. First the denial phase of the grief process. Perhaps I could magic her back to life. Perhaps it hadn’t really happened and the scan was wrong… Crazy thoughts. The grief came in waves. In those moments I would surrender to the emotion. My heart breaking, my existence consumed by one long scream of pain.
Yet into my raw and wounded heart, and through the confusion of overwhelming and conflicting emotions, her parting message kept niggling at me. I had accepted her message and its powerful energy so wanted to come alive in me. But as yet I could not fully believe it and everything that was not in alignment with it was being thrown up my way.
Which would win out? Well it was a tough ride. Truthfully I did not feel equal. I did not feel worthy to be her mother. In fact, I felt totally unworthy to carry such a child. I felt I was the bottom of the heap, way, way lower than her in some kind of spiritual hierarchy. I was nothing in comparison.
As I worked my way through my unworthiness I saw the scale of this problem. How so many women put themselves last. How so many neglect their own needs and sacrifice themselves for their families. How this unworthy pattern plays out in a myriad of different ways for women and how it cannot continue as we welcome in the next generation of children. Of course there is a paradox. Just because we don’t believe we are worthy or equal doesn’t make that true but if we don’t believe it how can we live it? How can we effect the changes we want to see in the world? And how will it impact those who are coming in if they have to wade through a foggy energy field of unworthiness?
I started out totally unable to fathom that I could be a soul of equal worth to my child and that we had an agreement between equals. Deeper and deeper I spiralled into the layers of how I didn’t feel worthy until at last I broke through into the spacious knowing that I was equally worthy and Divine as she.
Different yes. I am me and I came earlier. My energy is different to hers. But different no longer meant lesser. Prior to this I could spout along with the best of them about how we are all equal even if different without fully believing it was true for me. Now I got it at a deeper, visceral level. There was a knowing that could not be shaken.
It also feels timely. After centuries of oppression women are indeed rising up and speaking out, calling for change. A new feminine power is forming. One which I hope will not alienate or suppress a true masculine power but complement each other in a rising dance of spirit. It is time for us all to rediscover and embody our full worth as women, as human beings and as mothers. For ourselves and for our children, It IS time. And there is no time to waste.
Already I am noticing profound differences in how I am showing up. I am peaceful inside and less triggered by my children being children. There is a joy in being alive bubbling up that I can tune into. I don’t have to constantly prove myself so there is less push. That has been reflected back to me by others. My voice has changed. Clients go deeper more quickly and with less efforting on my part. My son keeps coming and hugging me.
So in the end although I wouldn’t have chosen this path to self-worth I am deeply grateful for the gift of this pregnancy and birth. It has been a powerfully transformative rite of passage just as a live birth would have been and I am looking forward to watching the shifts continue over the next weeks and months.
If you have experienced miscarriage and want to clear your cells and being of loss and grief before you welcome your baby. Or if you can feel something holding you back from being the mother you really want then do check out my 121 services where I support women like you to release stored trauma and pain and birth in confidence.
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This post is a follow on to last week's post on reflections on the meaning of my birth stories. It details some of the deeper meaning for me behind my encounters with the breech position. I won't give any more away. I invite you instead to read on to discover how my son and his playful positioning supported me on my path to healing and growth.
Were you ready to give birth? I was asked gently, kindly.
The answer came in a flood of tears. 'No!' I wailed.
My heart felt it would burst against my ribcage. The long suppressed pain now released was overwhelming in its intensity. I stayed with it. Waves of grief, loss, anger followed each other. I surrendered fully and lived the emotions as they poured through me. For a few long minutes the painful emotions were all I knew. They were all of my existence as I heard and experienced them fully. Then as they had come they subsided, spent at last.
I was 34 weeks pregnant and at my last antenatal appointment, a week earlier, my baby was lying breech. As I walked home I felt the red warning flags flying and alarm bells sounding.
What was I worried for?
Not as you may think because his choice of position was threatening my natural home birth plans. No! I knew that breech was a variation of normal, I had read Mary Cronk’s paper- Hands off the breech and devoured Ina May’s book Guide to childbirth several times over. I was determined to birth the way I wanted, it just felt so right.
I had time too. I mistakenly thought at the time that I had only 4 weeks for him to turn to a more favourable position.
I don’t quite know where I got the idea from but I was under the false impression that babies could no longer physically turn after 37 weeks due to their growing size. I have since heard all kinds of stories of babies turning just before and during labour. This was yet another myth that underestimates the capabilities of us women. Still I thought 4 weeks was a good amount of time in the grand scheme of things.
I did have a vague sense that I may have a job of persuasion to convince my midwife of that my choice was the right one. I think the way she rolled her eyes, bit her lip and pushed her unspoken words back down into her paperwork when I casually, unthinkingly mentioned that I would not automatically have a caesarean if I was breech that gave me some clue to her view of the subject…! But even this was not what was bothering me.
So why was I worried given that I knew it was ok for babies to be born topsy turvy, I had a month to turn, and wasn’t too daunted by the difference of opinion with my midwife?
‘He is lying breech and I was born breech… I was breech and now he is too…’
The phrases kept repeating themselves over and over in my mind. On the one hand part of my confidence that he could be born breech came from my own direct experience.
I totally knew it was possible to be born breech just fine because that was my experience.
I don’t remember my birth on the conscious every day level of reality but I knew that the memory of my lived experience was informing my confidence as it came to my turn to give birth. Which leads us neatly over to the other hand.
Had I inadvertently imprinted a bottom first approach and was now repeating history?
It was slightly confusing and contradictory. I knew it was possible but still wanted to try and change his position to a more usual head down position that I believed would be easier for him, me and my midwives. I didn't really want a fight with the system but I didn't want to push or force my baby if he was happy. The only way to resolve such conundrums for me is to go within. I needed to go within to find out and clear the imprinting. Free of the imprinting I would then be able to see clearly along the path of this birth. Then if he chose to be born breech I would know it was a free choice that was beneficial to him in some way.
Which brings us back to the question at the start of this post. I was half way through the kind of 1:1 session I take my BirthEssence clients through and this question was the breakthrough moment of that process.
My friend and colleague gently guided me through the process of discovering the cellular memories that were stored in my body and I spontaneously accessed the memory of my birth quite easily. It popped up in my awareness, strong and real. Some details were hazy but the general gist was crystal clear. I was not ready to be born when the doctors assisted my stuck head. I was resisting life with all my might but got pulled out anyway against my will.
These moments of heightened emotions at such a vulnerable time caused significant imprinting that affected how I related to the world. I saw all the times since that I didn’t feel ready for my life experiences. I saw how often I felt caught in a ‘tug of war’ over which direction to choose; How often I felt frustrated over outside circumstances that seemed to dictate what I should do that I had no control over; How often I felt pressured by others to do things a certain way or by a certain time.
I also saw the gifts in this birth experience. I had chosen a less common route to be born, one that was not so easy. I wanted to experience things my way, do things differently and explore how that felt. I was learning to be myself no matter what circumstances came my way. I was learning to stand tall and true to me no matter how unconventional that looked and no matter what obstacles I needed to overcome.
Did I have to experience disempowerment and separation during a birth I found deeply traumatic before I could feel empowered and connected?
I don’t know all the answers to that but I do know that I found peace that day with my choice and timing of birth circumstances. I healed the pain of not being ready or in control and in so doing two more gifts were revealed to me.
It is my hope that those reading this will be inspired to make peace with and heal the challenging aspects of their own birth. I hope that even as you realise that a difficult birth experience does indeed shape you just as a peaceful experience does, that it does not have to scar you for life. I hope to offer a pathway for you to appreciate all parts of your birth story and know that even the painful parts bring you gifts. Gifts that offer you comfort, peace and ultimately deep insights and wisdom that will serve you, your children and the long term future of humanity.
In case you are wondering, shortly after that process my son turned. I don’t even know when, it was almost an anti-climax. No drama of fanfare, but at my next appointment the midwife announced he was in the perfect position and there he stayed. You can read more about his birth story here
Resources for Breech Birth and texts mentioned in the post.
Here is a list of the resources I mention in the post plus a few extras. If you would like personalised support to clear energetic blocks to helping your baby into an optimal position for birth or to clear trauma from a previous birth experience including your own then please check out my 1:1 Transformation page. Thank you and enjoy your pregnancy and baby.
Mary Cronk's wisdom about Breech Birth: http://www.aims.org.uk/Journal/Vol10No3/handOffbreech.htm and
Some Beautiful photographs of Breech Birth: http://londonbirthpractice.co.uk/index.php/educational-info/36-home-breech-birth-photo-series.html?start=1
For optimal positioning: http://spinningbabies.com/
Uk based Facebook Support Group for Breech Birth: https://www.facebook.com/groups/371624862918154/
Inspirational Reading, the book I started with:
My second son Idrisa at three days old.
This post was first published on 27th July 2015 as a submission for The Birth Story Project where you can still read it and many other inspiring stories.
Calm, Serene and blissful; my first son was born still sleeping into a pool and gave a gentle sigh for his first breath, to a delighted audience of four, myself, my husband and two lovely midwives.
Loud, raucous and exhilarating; my second was born in a hurry on the floor of my shower, crying on arrival for his first breath, to a delighted audience of one, me.
I began to wonder about these hugely contrasting experiences in a similar starting environment. Was it simply their different personalities shaping the way they came into the world? Their birth, their chosen start to life and me a willing co-creative partner. Certainly each entrance was a perfect fit for what each of my children needed and desired to experience. Still, I felt there was more, I felt that there was also a message for me. What I wondered was my side of the bargain? What was the gift for me in their birth stories?
A stark contrast, according to baby me's perception. Born breech, with my mum in the unfortunately all too common recumbent beetle position, pushing against gravity was never going to be easy. My mum and me, we did brilliantly, right until the end when my stuck head needed to be eased out with forceps and I was immediately whisked off to a temporary abode by a sunny window in an incubator.
Gentle as the doctor was in his assistance, I found the experience to be deeply traumatic. Birth and the first hours immediately after are a potent time for imprinting
I constructed my version of reality around an unfriendly universe, separation, and abandonment. Stripped of my power and any say in what happened to me, I felt truly worthless, unheard and unseen. I doubted my ability to complete any task by myself.
Of course this was only a short blip in a happy, loving environment. But my expectations were set: Life is hard, People take over against your will, maybe you couldn't have done it anyway. Better not try.
As free as I became, on the approach to my second son's birth I felt my foundations shaking. I was terrified. I didn't know if I could do it. It didn't matter that I knew consciously that women are made for birth, that it is an entirely natural physiological function performed without drama by every other mammal in the animal kingdom. Or even that I had already done it once. There remained a persistent doubt.
Hold on a minute I hear you question? You've skipped to your second? Shouldn't the terror have come up with the first?
Well it did to a point. But as I have discovered the universe is pretty friendly, especially when you ask for help. During my first pregnancy fears surfaced and were released. I dug deep and cleared out all the blocks and conditioning I could find. I felt confident. I was rewarded by a delightful birth experience. I was on top of the world. I had done it!
So why the extreme terror during my second pregnancy?
The answer was revealed to me in my ongoing growth and transformation as a confident woman that threads through my adult life and two birth stories. My first birth experience was my first opportunity to really embody confidence deeply into my cells. The first visceral, lived in the body proof that I was not worthless and a failure as a woman. That actually I was an amazing and powerful woman.
However, having achieved one birth with assistance, (albeit rather hands off assistance, limited to one respectful and consented to vaginal examination and two giggling midwifes lit up by their head torch peering through the ripples of the pool to tell me of my progress.) I still didn't know if I could do anything on my own.
And I needed a different experience to fulfil that. One I could not foresee or second guess. My second son's birth perfectly met that need and put paid to the remnants of lingering doubt of capabilities as a woman.
I can pinpoint the shift in my being, to the last stages of the birth. At the time I was still, with some delusion, telling myself the labour journey had only just begun. We had planned a water birth for him too and the pool was to be my husband's main responsibility...
"I want the pool and there is no pool" I roared. Dimly aware that trotting off to move furniture and make space for the pool was no longer the best use of my husband's loving support at that moment, I was already too far gone for ordinary communication. But that roar of frustration released my agenda for the pool and something else took over. I knew and finally admitted to myself what my husband was as yet sweetly unaware. This baby was coming right now.
I retreated to the shower with a vague thought; warm water, nice. All my focus and energy was on the task at hand. Just me and my baby, cocooned in the shower cubicle and all else ceased to exist. I was no longer focused outwards, checking externally if what I was doing was correct. I was no longer handing over responsibility blindly to someone I perceived as more qualified and competent than me. Failure wasn't an option. Of course I was not thinking in these terms. I was barely even thinking at all in fact. I was living my experience of birth in communion with my son. And in the crucial final stages I did it alone.
I brought him smoothly round through my legs and sat down laughing in total euphoria at the enormity of the moment and at the expression on my husband's surprised face as he came running to my summons.
I did it alone. No assistance needed. Nothing.
There is still a delighted young girl skipping around inside me going, "Look, look everyone, look at what I did, you didn't know I could do that, did you?" and, "See, see," she says to the doctors who helped me be born, "I can do it after all."
My next step on the road? Well I don't know if there will be a third child or not, but I do know that my exploration of personal confidence is leading me to a place where I am so confident that even though I know I can do it alone, I no longer need to. That place is filled with laughing women in community and support, and in that place I am truly home.
‘Look’, my son cries, ‘a rainbow’. We stop and gaze in wonder at the vivid colours leaping across the sky towards their fabled pot of gold that promises new beginnings and richness beyond imagining. My son is delighted that it appears to start just behind our road somewhere. I am delighted by his innocence, joy and enthusiasm. I am reminded that I need not chase after an ephemeral, always just out of reach, external source of riches. My son’s excitement and the rainbow’s own glory prompt me to stop and savour the riches I am already living. Right here, right now my own pot of gold laughs with me at the amazing colours of life unfolding before our eyes.
As if a joyful reminder to notice the richness already surrounding me, and a promise of hope and renewal weren’t enough, today the rainbow also directed me towards the power of forgiveness via my much loved deck of Mother’s Wisdom Cards. I pulled the Rainbow card and was invited to reflect on forgiveness. I remembered times I had forgiven a person or event that was weighing on my heart. the resultant joy and lightness causes me to soar to heights on a par with the rainbow’s dizzy display of colour.
As I reflected a strong memory surfaced of one of the most memorable and significant times I have felt forgiveness. The back story shows me at a time in my life when I was single and had just tried, luckily unsuccessfully, to have a relationship with a highly unsuitable man. He did not treat me well and still I chased. My huge grief at the realisation that this was not going to be the relationship I wanted it to be was totally out of proportion to the handful of times I had met him before he ran away and refused all contact. Every attempt at real communication felt catastrophically wrong and painful. I became angry and bitter at the way I had been treated and despite previous attempts to find closure had not managed to let go of the story. Even I could tell I was obsessing over something that from the outside looked relatively minor. Why did it feel so big to me?
So I sought support from a friend and colleague in the form of a Journey Process.* During my process I was transported back to what appeared to be a past life memory of my execution. I was about to be beheaded by someone I knew from my village and as I looked into his eyes I recognised him to be this man from my present life who’d mysteriously run straight out of my life. I felt such a strong connection to this person and felt that they had been important to me in this life yet here they were about to execute me. His eyes were full of guilt and anguish. I continued to gaze at him and consciously opened into his heart and asked to be shown how it was for him. I was blasted into such a powerful shock and grief with the words ‘I am sorry, please forgive me’ repeated over and over and over again.
I felt our village was being ransacked and women were being targeted and punished, particularly healers or medicine women and there was a kind of civil war happening with villagers being pitted against each other in cruel twist. He was utterly horrified at what he was being forced to do. but although he did not want to kill me, in that moment, at that time he had no choice.
As I felt this I really had no choice either. I forgave him completely. Or more accurately forgiveness flooded my heart and being as I felt the totality of the situation and the enormity of his grief and regret. He had been punished enough. I let go of my blame, anger and betrayal. I allowed love to flow through me again. I felt whole and healed.
As I brought this energy through to the present day me I felt only compassion for my would be suitor and instead of the ranting email I had planned I found the only words in my mind and heart were ‘I love you, please forgive me and I let you go now.’
I never saw or spoke to him again. These words were expressed only in this process. But I have no doubt that they set us both free. As I let him go, both in the past and in the present, I let go too. I felt relief and joy. I felt as if I was flying across the sky like the rainbow propelled by my forgiveness into a pot of golden freedom. I didn’t need to chase it. The gold was pouring into and from my heart as love replaced the heavy weight that unbeknownst to me I had been carrying for far longer than the few months I had known this person.
Memories like these concerning what I term ‘witch hunt mentality’ seem to be occurring quite commonly at this time. Whole groups of women are releasing this stored collective consciousness from our past. It is time for women to step out of the shadow of these previous eras when to survive it was necessary to hide our talents and the ways of feminine healing and leading. It is time to forgive and set aside the past and to create wholeness. A wholeness where the feminine and masculine energies within each of us live in balance and unity. A wholeness where love and forgiveness shine forth like the rainbow leading us to the gold within.
This deep spontaneous forgiveness that came with understanding and emotional release set me free, set both of us free, and it is this kind of work that is setting a whole generation free. I am amazed by what I discover when I enquire within, how much can be imprinted and stored from traumatic events and equally how much can be released. We are creating space for new lives, new beginnings. A space that is much needed.
In this case, new beginnings spilled their colours quickly onto the canvas of my life. Shortly afterwards I met my amazing husband and my life took on a wonderful new direction.
And so I leave you with the reflection, Where in your life is forgiveness needed? What rainbows would brighten your sky brighten your sky when you forgive?
For more information about The Journey pioneered by Brandon Bays and how it can help you find freedom and forgiveness please click here.* For a 3 free guided visualizations created by Brandon Bays for healing and relaxation please click here* and for the free e-book The Journey click here *
Follow the link to learn more about and buy Mother’s Wisdom Deck: A 52-Card Inspiration Deck with Guidebook (Book & Cards)*
If you feel like you may benefit from some forgiveness work check out my 1:1 page to see what I offer or call me to chat about how I can help you.
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