Racing pulse, shallow breath catching in my throat, palms sweating. I keep breathing, through the rising panic and terror that is threatening to overwhelm me. It is hard to resist the urge to push it away.
Because I want it to stop. Now. I've had enough of feeling scared.
But I know suppression is not the way so I open wider and keep breathing...
The trigger..? I am pregnant. Pregnant and Scared.
I am scared I will fail, that I will not cope, that I will tear, that I will end up begging for mercy in a heap on the floor. I am overwhelmed by all the conflicting emotions and panicky thoughts flitting through me. I am not even sure what half of these fears are about.
Two things I am sure about.
1. I might be scared but my birth experience is important to me, I have big dreams and I will do everything I can to achieve them.
2. I am so glad that I have the tools to get me through this. It may feel tough at times but I know I'll get there.
And so that is what I did, one moment and one day at a time. I used all the healing tools I had and dug deep into the real causes of my terror. I uncovered and released trauma stored in my cells, I reimprinted my own birth experience and reprogrammed all my body systems. I sought out colleagues and friends and I also worked alone.
It wasn't all panic and terror, there was so much love, strength and joy to be found that it took my breath away at times.
In the end it was worth it. Every moment and Every penny.
My son arrived in serene bliss in a pool in our living room without even waking up properly he was so relaxed.
I quickly realized that this was not the case for many other women. I heard many distressing stories. Tales of fear, panic and constant worry. Bodies that shut down and refused to open. Tales of invasion, disrespect and lasting trauma. Women who had felt ok going into birth were left distraught, disempowered and with a sense of being robbed of something intangible but deeply important.
This stark contrast in experience was my lightbulb moment
"I can help with this; I can support women to transform their experience of birth”
And I love it.
The smile of joy and liberation when someone opens their eyes into their new world of clarity and confidence are pure joy for me too. These shared moments of heart opening gratitude and awe make it all worthwhile.
Several years on I am now a mother of two rambunctious boys.
My second dream birth was also at home but oh so different!
His birth was loud, raucous and exhilarating. He came fast, beating both the midwives and even my husband who only had to negotiate the stairs!
My confidence in this unexpected turn of events seemed to surprise my midwives and even some of my friends. My investment in inner work and the nurturing treatments had paid off and my resulting faith in myself and the birth process could weather the twists and turns that I couldn’t predict.
After this birth I was euphoric and changed. My confidence had been born out by experience and it was now fully embodied. The joy and strength I felt and still feel surpasses any words I can find. I feel connected to the powerful essence at the heart of my being and it feels extraordinary, ordinary and oddly familiar. It feels like coming home.
This home is where I am inviting you. From the stillness and peace of Nurture Mother Massage sessions to the inspiring shifts in my 1:1 Transformation sessions I would love to support you to achieve the birth of your dreams. If you would like to see how I can help move beyond your fear and reconnect to your body and inner wisdom then head over to the work with me page to see what suits you best. If you would like to be inspired with more about my birth stories check out these posts here and here.
And If your’re curious about the tools I use and how I came to learn them then read on.
That story starts with a journey away from home.
Here’s the short version:
Its a classic travel story of the younger me, fresh out of university and determined not to get sucked into a boring corporate career, a desire to do something worthwhile in the world but no real idea what. Directionless and clueless I started with fulfilling a long held thwarted ambition- to learn to ski.
Life in the mountains awakened the call of the wild in me and I answered with a trip round the world starting with Nepal, moving through SE Asia and ending with Australia and New Zealand. Immersed in vastly different cultures to my own, I spent my time visiting holy sites and wild places. It was a time of great adventure: Epic mountain walks, wild camping and cycle touring, interspersed with some farm work. Along the way I discovered a love of yoga, massage and Reiki and went to great lengths to learn more. Literally. I flew from Sydney to Perth to learn the next level of Reiki and I travelled across Thailand in search of the best Thai massage teachers.
It was fantastic fun although I was still pretty directionless and one day I got homesick. Without knowing exactly why I found myself heading home three years after I had left.
Secretly depressed I came home to multiple family illness and total confusion over my wider direction in life. The turning point came when in 2004 I attended my first Journey Seminar, (healing work pioneered by Brandon Bays. ) I traded depression for delight in life and finally with some semblance of a direction I trained as a practitioner. I spent the next few years availing myself of every opportunity to deepen in this healing work, learning with the best teachers and always seeking the most simple and effective techniques I could.
My second turning point may well be thanks to National Express and the free spot that allowed my future husband to get an earlier coach. And to his forwardness in getting my number...
Either way we met and in a very short time I began my family and you’ve already heard a bit about that.
And so here we are. On an adventure of a different kind. With BirthEssence I have brought together all these experiences with my desire to make a positive difference in the world. And I believe it is time to make that difference. The only time is now and there is no time to waste.
Seeing my boys grow and flourish is a daily reminder of why I do this work. Our birth experiences shape us for life. Our womb experience is also important. And right now the world needs strong, powerful and compassionate leaders.
We are those leaders. We are holding the potential in our hands and hearts, and in our wombs and it is time.
I am hopeful, optimistic and joyful as I work towards my vision of transformation. Will you join me?
Gorgeous Gatecrasher to my photoshoot
The name BirthEssence reflects the beautiful simplicity at the heart of the creation of new life and aims to bring an appreciation and experience of that to women and their families. Peace and love in birth engenders peace and love in life and brings healing for the world. Rediscovering and living this essence opens up limitless possibilities in which women and humanity may fulfill their true potential and transform the world.
Formal List of Qualifications and Training
Traditional Thai Massage
Traditional Thai Massage
Mama Nit, Chiang Mai, Thailand
Reiki First Degree
Usui Reiki Ryoho Tradition- First Degree
Usui Reiki Ryoho Tradition - Second Degree
Accredited Journey Practitioner
Graceful Change Workshops
Holistic Oil Massage and Personal Development Diploma
Non Personal Awareness Training
Pregnancy Massage Course
Dakini Circles ( Yoga Immersion)
Change the Game, (Business Leadership & Mastermind Group)
NPA Expansive Weekend Training
NPA Masterclass Training
Compassion Key Master Practitioner
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