“Do you have a message for me?” I asked through my tears and grief.
“Remember,” she smiled. “Remember you are this too… “
I took a deep breath. Something in my brain couldn’t quite compute this message.
Me? Could I really be this too?
I was connecting with my unborn baby and she had just said good bye. She was not to be born in physical form - this time at least. Though I was reeling with the shock and pain I was hugely comforted by her presence. She was so gentle and loving. I felt her to be a wise sacred being and I was in total awe of her Divine Presence. No way was I Divine and Sacred like that.
But she smiled, she nodded and as I in a confused state of shock, hesitantly and reluctantly accepted her message, it was time for her to leave.
She’d made herself known with the same gentle wisdom even before I was pregnant. During a specific guided process, I had met her across a bridge. A small girl who nevertheless packed a huge punch in the sacred presence department that left me blasted wide open in love.
This is the energy of the future I reflected later. These are the children we are welcoming to the planet right now, this is part of the evolution of humanity, the consciousness that wants to be born on this planet at this time. Amazing.
And she was ready to come to me. I was delighted and quite blown away. I felt my heart open with love each time I remembered that first meeting... But did I feel worthy? Was I equally ready for her to come to me?
She came anyway. I knew it before the lines on the stick confirmed it to me. So I set about preparing for her arrival. For me that is always at least as much about the inner work as the practical. When I align my inner world the outer journey is always an easier ride.
But it wasn’t to be.
One day shy of 15 weeks I began to bleed. Two days later a scan confirmed what I already knew; they were very sorry but there was no heartbeat.
The next few weeks were a blur in many ways. Ordinary life continued as I waited for the miscarriage to complete. First the denial phase of the grief process. Perhaps I could magic her back to life. Perhaps it hadn’t really happened and the scan was wrong… Crazy thoughts. The grief came in waves. In those moments I would surrender to the emotion. My heart breaking, my existence consumed by one long scream of pain.
Yet into my raw and wounded heart, and through the confusion of overwhelming and conflicting emotions, her parting message kept niggling at me. I had accepted her message and its powerful energy so wanted to come alive in me. But as yet I could not fully believe it and everything that was not in alignment with it was being thrown up my way.
Which would win out? Well it was a tough ride. Truthfully I did not feel equal. I did not feel worthy to be her mother. In fact, I felt totally unworthy to carry such a child. I felt I was the bottom of the heap, way, way lower than her in some kind of spiritual hierarchy. I was nothing in comparison.
As I worked my way through my unworthiness I saw the scale of this problem. How so many women put themselves last. How so many neglect their own needs and sacrifice themselves for their families. How this unworthy pattern plays out in a myriad of different ways for women and how it cannot continue as we welcome in the next generation of children. Of course there is a paradox. Just because we don’t believe we are worthy or equal doesn’t make that true but if we don’t believe it how can we live it? How can we effect the changes we want to see in the world? And how will it impact those who are coming in if they have to wade through a foggy energy field of unworthiness?
I started out totally unable to fathom that I could be a soul of equal worth to my child and that we had an agreement between equals. Deeper and deeper I spiralled into the layers of how I didn’t feel worthy until at last I broke through into the spacious knowing that I was equally worthy and Divine as she.
Different yes. I am me and I came earlier. My energy is different to hers. But different no longer meant lesser. Prior to this I could spout along with the best of them about how we are all equal even if different without fully believing it was true for me. Now I got it at a deeper, visceral level. There was a knowing that could not be shaken.
It also feels timely. After centuries of oppression women are indeed rising up and speaking out, calling for change. A new feminine power is forming. One which I hope will not alienate or suppress a true masculine power but complement each other in a rising dance of spirit. It is time for us all to rediscover and embody our full worth as women, as human beings and as mothers. For ourselves and for our children, It IS time. And there is no time to waste.
Already I am noticing profound differences in how I am showing up. I am peaceful inside and less triggered by my children being children. There is a joy in being alive bubbling up that I can tune into. I don’t have to constantly prove myself so there is less push. That has been reflected back to me by others. My voice has changed. Clients go deeper more quickly and with less efforting on my part. My son keeps coming and hugging me.
So in the end although I wouldn’t have chosen this path to self-worth I am deeply grateful for the gift of this pregnancy and birth. It has been a powerfully transformative rite of passage just as a live birth would have been and I am looking forward to watching the shifts continue over the next weeks and months.
If you have experienced miscarriage and want to clear your cells and being of loss and grief before you welcome your baby. Or if you can feel something holding you back from being the mother you really want then do check out my 121 services where I support women like you to release stored trauma and pain and birth in confidence.
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