Photo by Richard Jaimes on Unsplash

I spent a lot of time preparing for  the birth of my first child. Trawling the internet, ordering books to read and in-depth emotional clearing work. Somehow I still managed to leave some gaps. Some of these gaps are quite funny now- New born poo colour for example…! I actually thought as the thick treacly meconium gave way to bright yellow mush that it was all due to the lovely meal cooked by my husband I’d eaten the night before coming out somehow in my milk. (His African sauce was made with Palm Oil which is bright orange and solid at room temperature, liquid when heated and permanently stains everything it comes into contact with bright yellow.)

Some of the gaps in my knowledge caused me some temporary concern and added stress and I hope that this post will save some of you from the same needless worries that I experienced.

So here goes, in no particular order, I wish that I had known:-

1. To listen to my body not the estimated due date, which would be better phrased as a guess date or month.

I did kind of know that due dates are just an indication and that there is some question over the accuracy of the 40 week marker in the first place. ( See bottom of post for useful links on gestation length and EDD calculation.) I also knew that most first time mothers give birth at around 41 weeks. I just thought that would be the same for me. So at 38 plus 5 and contemplating the mammoth task of mounting the stairs I felt a wave of despair at the thought I could have another four weeks and how would I cope. It never occurred to me that this – plus the furious house cleaning- could be an indication that I wouldn’t have to wait that long...

At 39 weeks exactly, I waved my parents out of the door on Good Friday Evening and we all joked how they would be back soon enough. I shut the door and felt the first cramps. Oh…! I nearly called them back in but thought, "It’s probably Braxton Hicks, I’ve not had any of those yet…."

Takeaway Number 1: Listen to your body and be prepared.

2. That early labour can feel like period pains

Those first ‘Braxton Hicks’ were very low down, dull aches across where my uterus would be were I not pregnant. They felt like period pains. I watched the wild thought fly across my awareness that maybe something was wrong. I was expecting big waves of contractions right across my lovely big belly. I think I was forgetting about a gradual progression of labour and expecting to be thrown right into the most intense labour sensations from the get go.  

Still I did at least do something right here. I checked out the panicked thoughts, reassured myself that I was all good and as it was nearly 11pm, I went to bed. It was a restless night that felt like one big contraction but I got a decent amount of sleep in between. I woke at 9 am when I could not ignore that I was in labour any longer as they were now close to 5 minutes apart.

Takeaway Number 2: Connect with the sensations in your body and enjoy the knowledge your body is working for you and get rest while you can.

3.Some fresh red blood is to be expected when the plug goes, this did not mean I was bleeding to death.

Another one of those fleeting thoughts that had my heart rate racing. I knew to expect a plug shaped piece of tissue. And there was no mistaking the plug when it arrived. It was, well like my bathroom plug same shape and size and quite solid. Despite the name I wasn’t expecting it to be so pluglike. But somehow I hadn't expected a little gush of blood.

I breathed through the panic and my fears of looking stupid and rang my midwife. She was wonderful and suggested I put a pad on and check the amount of blood then call her back. Great advice and as I put the phone down I realised I was not bleeding any more beyond the couple of drops that had spread out on my clothes and looked much more than they actually were. Thanking my mind once more for its extreme caution in wanting to keep me safe I relaxed again.

I will quickly add that you may not get an obvious plug like I did. Some women lose the plug weeks before labour starts and some like me during my second son's birth, never know if they lost it down the toilet without realising or some time in labour as they never see it and there are all kinds of variations in between.

Takeaway Number 3: Slow down and breathe. Ring your midwife and ask even if you feel stupid.

4. That later labour can feel like the baby is coming out of your bottom not your vagina.

So useful to know! It really does feel like that. Another unexpected surprise. The pressure of the baby taking up the space in your body causes you both to feel like the baby is coming out of your bottom and for you to actually evacuate your bowels for real. So yes both these are great signs that your baby is on the way and good things to know in advance.

Takeaway Number 4: Expect to poo, and know it's a good sign.

5. That Vaginal Examinations are not compulsory.

I believed that I needed to be examined at least once, found to be the magic ten cm and given permission to push. I knew I was going to follow my body regardless of numbers, I just thought that was the system and I would have to go along with it. I have since learned that I could have said no to the one examination I did have.  It was so clear to all around that I was in labour and doing well, an examination wasn’t necessary. I didn't really want one, I just thought I had to.

Here I have to say my midwife was wonderful. She asked permission, asked if I had had one before ( I hadn’t) and was totally gentle so I could hardly feel it. She then pronounced me 8 cm. Although I would have refused had it been clear to me this was an optional intervention, this announcement actually helped dispel the worry that I had called her out too early and was going to look stupid when she said sorry you are not in labour yet!

Finally I want to really stress that vaginal examinations are a choice and you are the one with the power to choose what is right for you.  I was aware that they only tell you what is going on in that moment and that can change. I knew that birth is not linear despite the (mostly male created (charts that imply a certain progression per hour. I had heard many anecdotes of women I know personally and their friends or family who had nearly given birth in triage as labour progressed so quickly. I knew all this but at the time did not know I could make my own choice. Some women find them reassuring as I did in this example. Others prefer not to know and there is a danger of feeling discouraged if you have laboured for a while without any corresponding increase in openness. This seeming lack of change on its own does not mean that nothing is happening. Again listening and communicating with your own body will help you decide what you need.

As for me in this birth story, the official confirmation that I was truly in labour and pretty far on was like a load lifted.  I got back up and onto my knees on the floor, for the final stages of opening my body. For that 8 cm was moving pretty fast now, I was not on any arbitrary linear timescale. I had no idea what timescale I was on as I was moving deep into the labour trance world and nothing made much sense any more. There was just one more hesitation on my part.

Takeaway Number 5: You have the power to choose what support you need. You can say no to vaginal examinations.

6. You don’t need permission to start pushing

Not if your body is spontaneously pushing even as you concentrate on relaxing deeply and going with the flow of the birthing energy. Try stopping that life force. That kind of pushing is impossible to stop.

Sometimes women are told they must wait until they get to ten centimetres, whereas in some cultures women are told to start pushing from the first contractions and push all the way through labour. I have always been confused by these seeming contradictions and the lack of trust implied in the process and the woman and baby giving birth. (Check the end of the post for more information on pushing before 10 cm) i 

In the mean time there I was on my knees, head buried in the couch, swaying, when I felt my body begin to push. "Oh," I thought, "I am only 8 cm? Will I be in trouble? Should I tell her?"  I lifted my head just long enough to say tentatively, "my body wants to push now." "You just go with what your body wants to do," my midwife replied gently. AAhh so good. The last worry smoothed away with just those few words. I dropped my head into the sofa again and let everything go.

Takeaway Number 6: Spontaneous Pushing is impossible to stop or control but can feel fantastic. Trust your body.

(A small aside- if you are a community midwife who attended a home birth on Easter Saturday in Handsworth and you recognise this story. Thank you. You were so lovely. You always asked permission, explained and exuded a quiet confidence and respect that was catching. I would love to hear from you if you ever read this- I cannot remember your name.)

7. It is totally normal for the baby to do bit of a to and fro dance just before finally emerging.

I felt my son come right up between my legs during the contraction. As I relaxed into the quiet space I felt him move straight back again. With the next contraction, he surged forwards enthusiastically, then fell back again as it subsided. Now as I write and remember this rhythm I am reminded of the sea, gentle waves that lap the shore and the water trickling back to the ocean. It was exactly like that. It serves a purpose, I believe, to soften and prepare your body. Your baby is also an active partner in the birth and needs to rotate himself into position as he comes out.  

My son was gearing up for his final exit where he would shoot accross the pool as I sat up to see him. What I would do differently if I could go back would be to have more patience and really enjoy this part. There was no pain as I floated in my pool. It was a fabulous opportunity to connect with my son, reassure him all was well and to take his time rather than question in my head if that was normal or not. 

Takeaway Number 7: Be patient and take your time as you start to crown. A bit of to and fro is normal and may help.

8. Keeping mother and baby warm after the birth is vitally important.

We were so in love with our new son that we didn’t get out of the pool. Unfortunately, the room was colder than we would have liked due to an unforeseen heating problem and I started to feel chilly. The midwives had been filling in their paperwork and hadn’t realised we were getting cold. It was easily rectified with some warm towels, dressing gown and blanket but we came close to needing a transfer for a cold baby.

What I did learn with this experience is just how amazing we women are. I may have been blissfully unaware of the temperature of my serene baby but my body knew differently. As my husband and midwives wrapped us in a bundle I started to sweat. The only comparable heat I have experienced is during a fever. My body became a furnace and heated my baby so fast that my lovely midwife wondered if she had made a mistake taking his temperature. I know, as did my body that she didn’t and my birthing story ended happily with the midwives leaving to sleep as my husband  and I remained resting on our sofa enjoying our baby as he took his first feed.

So there you have it. 8 tips from the birth story of my first son. I hope you find them useful. If you have any of your own to share, please comment and let me know.

Below are links to some articles that you may find useful related to the points raised in this post.

Women's gestation can vary by up to 5 weeks-Article in the Independent

History and calculation of the EDD

Article on pushing with an anterior cervical lip by Midwife Thinking.

Photo by Derick McKinney on Unsplash

I breathe in deeply. The cold blast of air on this frosty winter morning is stimulating and I feel alive. I am reminded of the power of the breath and I stand for a few moments longer just breathing and taking in the view before I set off home, back to my day and to work.

Those few moments of breath made all the difference and I wonder. How have you been breathing this week? How are you breathing now?

Take a few moments to just breathe right now then come back and join me as we explore some simple ways to incorporate breathing exercises into your day.

Welcome back. I feel calmer, more connected and ready to act. How do you feel?

Sometimes, just remembering to take the time for a few simple breaths, without even any particular practice, is half the trick. Of course, a regular practice is beneficial, hugely so. Your body remembers your regular routine and the relaxed state it produces. Practice on ordinary days and when you really need the tools they will be right there waiting for you. Your body will respond more quickly than you may you expect, dropping you back into relax mode.

So let’s go. Let me share with you five simple ways I like to harness the power of the breath in my everyday life.

1. Make each breath count.

My favourite way is to count as you breathe in and again as you breathe out. Make your out-breath longer than your in-breath. This promotes relaxation and helps shift your body from the sympathetic nervous system – fight/flight mode to the parasympathetic mode in which your body is at rest. You can use any number that feels comfortable to you. Try counting in for 4 and out for 8 or in for 7 and out for 11.  As you practice try and lengthen your breath without forcing it. Experiment with what feels good to you.

A variation on this is to count each complete breath. Congratulate yourself on each completed breath. Let each breath be one step on a staircase to deep relaxation. In labour each completed breath, just like each contraction, is one more step towards meeting your baby.

2. Follow your breath.

If numbers aren’t your thing you may prefer to journey with your breath round your body.  Imagine you are the air that is coming into your nostrils and down into your lungs. Notice how it feels to fly in and down to your lungs. Experience the expansion as more air fills the lungs and the gas exchange takes place and oxygen is gifted to your system. Allow yourself to be propelled back gently to the outside airon your out-breath.

Repeat and take your journey further. Follow the oxygen into your muscles, your womb, to your baby. Notice how your body feels to receive you in this way. You may see images of how your body looks inside or you may simply get a sense of where you are. Feel grateful as you return on the out-breath carrying unwanted toxins and carbon dioxide back out of the body and into the air.

Be playful and curious. Let your mind get interested and your body relax.  I have always loved the story of Aladdin and was captivated by the magic carpet. Have fun imagining journeying on your own magic carpet, powered by your breath. 

3. Charge your breath.

Ever felt a charged atmosphere during an argument? Could cut it with a knife? Consciously change this dynamic by charging your out breath with what is no longer useful to you. You can invite your fears and worries or tension and stress to leave for example. Nature abhors a vacuum so make sure you then charge your in-breath with what you do want instead. Choose a useful resource such as confidence, trust or peace and let it move into your body with the breath.

4.  Point of focus.

When you finish you may either allow the flame to burn itself out in its own time, or you may blow it out with an accompanying wish or intention.

5. Let your heart lead.

Without the heart there is no breath yet even before the breath our heart was beating for us. Earlier still, before even our own heart developed there was the steady rhythmic beating of our mother’s heart guiding our development. Listening to a pulsing heart beat has the power to calm and soothe both babies and adults. It is a gateway into the great love and compassion of heart energy.

Use that energy to guide you as you breathe. Place your hand over your heart and feel it beating. If this is hard try placing your fingers on your neck or wrist where you can feel your pulse easily. Begin to connect to your heart beating and allow the love of your heart guide you to release and relax. Let the gentle loving energy of your heart be the leader as you hand over the reins and take long, slow breaths in alignment with your heart .

The inspiration for this invitation comes from the wonderful Indra Singh of Silent Moon Imaginarium. You can listen to her guide you in an emotional breath meditation on periscope here -perfect for those times when you feel you just can’t relax or meditate. (highly recommended , her meditations are powerful.) and she has a wealth of meditations and resources on her You tube channel here.

Aaah, I feel more relaxed just writing this post and will be off to practice breathing as soon as I press publish. I invite you to choose one of these techniques and schedule in a few minutes a day at a time convenient to you and have a go.

Then let me know how you go I would love to hear.

Photo by Omid Armin on Unsplash

One of the questions I commonly get asked is,  "What do I do when things aren’t going to plan? Is there anything I can do really?"

It’s a challenging question right?

Usually well meaning people try to reassure us with instructions to relax and stop worrying, like it is that easy. "Don’t worry," say our worried partners, in an attempt to console both of us. "Just relax, you are doing great."

Does this work? Do we instantly relax and stop worrying in the face of problems just because someone who cares about us tells us to?

Of course not. Certainly not when that person is worried too. Sometimes we even erupt in anger right back at them, our fear and frustration spilling over in desperation.

Sometimes, if the person reassuring us is truly embodying a truth that all is well, then that will be transmitted to you and you will feel calmer.  More often it is the fear that is catching.

In this post I would like to share with you two positive stories that illustrate this and point to a better way of initiating that relaxation and letting go than the direct instruction to do what you really would already be doing if you could!

Story Number 1: Sitting With My Grandfather.

“Don’t worry,” my grandad said to me with his slow gentle energy. He sighed and paused. “You will worry of course, but you don’t need to.”

I continued sitting with my grandad in silence, just breathing. Feeling emotions run through me. I had chosen to be the one to tell him of our bad news, the serious illness in another family member. I hadn’t expected him to be so calm. He was like a strong tree in a storm.

Oh the wisdom of our elders, so often overlooked. Having lived through way more than I, including a World War, he was more comfortable with shock news. He knew he couldn’t take my worry away. He didn’t even try. Yet I could feel his love and caring in the silence. I was reassured by his calm presence as I am when I sit under a tree in the woods and the energy under his words pierced through my bubble of worry. His honest assessment that neither he nor I could prevent me worrying gave me permission to be where I was and let the feelings flow.

We sat in silence a little while more just breathing together. His slower pace influenced me and I slowed and softened myself.

There was something timeless and healing in just breathing. Taking space together. Letting the space heal. So powerful. So useful. So often neglected in the rush and panic of the pain.

Story 2. Jason Chan speaking at The Tree of Life

“Just breathe,” the words echo through my mind again and I move now to a recent time listening to Jason Chan, a Spiritual Master and Healer talk at a Tree of Life Event.

“Just breathe,” he smiled to an appreciate audience who let out a wave of laughter in recognition. I could feel the whole room relax as they followed his instructions. In seconds the energy of the room had shifted from a higher, nervous energy to a softer more expansive feel. And he invited us to feel the changes quite literally by waving our hands in the air in front of us to sense the environment. Before we applied focus to our breath we had all been unconsciously held in the sway of our thoughts, and the habitual busy energy we often reside in. He didn’t change our state by teaching us some complicated breathing process that would take years to master. He led me swiftly to a peaceful place quite simply with a little focus, an engaging down to earth manner and plenty of humour.

What really hit home was his demonstration of the difference we all felt in being told ‘Don’t worry’ when worried in comparison to the effect of being asked to ‘Just breathe.’

The first is a negative instruction and the brain will happily imagine the worry, then work out how to cancel it. Too late! Your super-fast nervous system and subconscious has already responded to the first part and you are having to work harder to get back to relaxation. It also just tells you to stop something but doesn’t give a clear instruction of what else to do instead. When we are fearful and panicked we don’t have full access to time and reasoned thought. We need simple clear instructions we can get behind that will lead us through to a better space. Just breathe fits that bill.

Of course breathing is something that gets talked about a lot when you are preparing to give birth. Lots of different breathing exercises are taught, all with the aim of supporting you to relax. (Re)learning to relax is an invaluable tool to enjoy your pregnancy, support the optimal development of your baby and help you labour with ease. In my next post I will go into more detail as to why breathing is so effective and share some suggestions of techniques you can use.

Today I wish to keep it simple and leave you with three points I learnt from my grandfather and Jason Chan.

1. The power of the breath to shift us through difficult emotions in an emergency.
2. The speed at which a shift is possible. Think of how fast fear hits as you see a bus bearing down on you unexpectedly and imagine this in reverse.
3. We can be reassured to remember we have all we need at our fingertips. Breathing is accessible and we all know how to do it.

This last one is key. Learning and practicing techniques is empowering and useful. If in the moment you can’t remember a thing and your mind is blank with panic, just come back to your breath and start there. Focus on your breath and then make the out breath longer. Nothing fancy, just bring yourself back to your body and your breath and keep breathing. Let the breath do the work.

I invite you to try this now. Imagine a scenario in which you are usually worried.  Perhaps you usually tell yourself not to worry?  Instead invite yourself to breathe.   Spend a few moments breathing and reflecting on how you are today. Then take a moment to let me know how you found it. I would love to hear.

P.S.  If you enjoyed this then try it out with your loved ones too. Next time someone close to you comes to you with a problem, replace 'don't worry' with 'just breathe' and spend some time sitting and breathing together and see what happens.

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How bad do things need to get before we will collectively rise up and say no more?

As the world reels with yet another shock decision that so many didn’t really believe would ever actually happen, is it enough yet?

Have we reached that tipping point yet?

Have you?

What will it take to propel us out of the victim energy where we recirculate the same old stories- that we are too small to be able to make a difference, the system is too strong, nothing every changes, history repeats itself…

If history continues to repeat itself there will not be anything left for our future generation. And it is the younger generation who overwhelmingly voted for change, fairness, respect and equality.

Sadly it was not to be so just yet.

There were warnings. Comparisons with how Hitler came to power were made. The folly and risks of complacency were called out along with the call to vote, which ever view you supported. Can it really be true over 40% of the population of Britain and the USA, (that’s the % who didn’t vote for both referendum and recent US election) just didn’t care either way.

I don’t believe that is true.

We care. We are just a bit jaded and disillusioned with those in power who are supposed to be taking care of us all. But we care all right.

So  many people are grappling with despair, depression and hopelessness right now, so many are terrified for their safety in these uncertain times, and so many feel powerless and speechless in the wake of this years events,( in which Trump as president is just the latest unbelievable result.) Oh We do care.

But we are also still stuck in the old story that we are powerless to make a difference. We are still living in fear of persecution if we risk sticking our neck out. It seems that even the dire warnings of climate change, the most recent of which suggest an accelerated global warming effect that could result in Earth resembling Venus within our lifetime have not yet been enough to shake us into action.

Yet, even in this climate of disbelief and fear I also feel something different happening. Something else is at play beneath what on the surface looks like a resurgence of dark power. A great love holding us and moving us forwards.

Ok so you do have to dig deep right now. The surface is pretty turbulent and it is not pretty. But get in deep and the turbulence feels more like the final desperate fight for life as the old way succumbs to death. Unfortunately It’s not going without a fight..

I am deeply sad that the transition to the new age happening this way but the deeper movement is soothing loving and is propelling us slowly but surely forwards.

I feel the collective terror too, I can understand the resistance and backlash to this change. After all we have lived through centuries of a patriarchal power imbalance and suppression of the feminine in pretty much all her guises and that wasn’t pretty either. I can feel your disappointment that we appear to be moving backwards.

Despite all of this and my sadness, I feel this deeper, grander love and it gives me strength to carry on when all is madness around me. When I would rather stick my head in the sand pretend it’s not happening.

These recent events have rekindled the fire that can’t ever be quite put out no matter how bad it gets or how futile my efforts seem in the short term. I have reached my tipping point and I am listening to that fire, that deeper love. I am moved to speak up and act. To stick my neck out and speak my truth with my message and my business – that in healing birth we can heal the world.

I am committed.

So what does that mean?

I’m not about to take on the political behemoths directly in a David versus Goliath fight. I am not stepping out of my zone of influence so far as to be lost, confused and ineffectual. I will not be perpetuating the fighting by judging, condemning and taking sides.

For there are no winners when we continue to place blame on the other, on the external. When we sit in victim energy and bemoan what is and what could have been, should have been or ought to be.

For this ugliness that has surfaced. It is not new; it is just more visible where it was hidden before. It has not come out of nowhere though it may seem like it. What has been suppressed is coming up and out to be healed and this is the key to the future.

Going in after those invisible, papered over wounds, to heal from the inside out is where the transformation, freedom and the new world we so long for lies.

Despite my own fears born of the centuries of suppression and persecution that have weighed particularly heavily on women and women’s wisdom that is where I am going for my answers. Healing within then stepping into my feminine power that has lain dormant for so long and longs for action. It can stay quiet no longer. It is time.

I am calling on my own inner power and reaching out to those closest to me, and that includes you, my dear reader, one of the women I serve.  And I invite you to join me.

That is all.

The ripple effect of us coming into our own truth and power will do the rest.

Oh and the next generation of course. They are coming, not despite the chaos, but because of it. Not from fear of what could happen if they don’t act, but from love of humanity, the natural world and life itself.

You may be feeling right now that this is no world to bring children into. You may worry what the future holds for your children, or if there will even be one. Some of you may be delaying your children through fear. Your misgivings may even be leading you to consider whether to have children at all. This new, love-filled paradigm is the environment the future generation will be creating. It seems so hard right now, so far away, like an impossible dream you don’t even dare voice.

And to you I say this.

They are coming into a world that seems rife with violence and so much darkness. But that is not the whole story. Nor is it the whole of you.

We have a choice, One choice is to get mired down in the fear and continue as we are, perpetuating the myths, the misogyny, and the greed. This looks like whinging and moaning about the external world without clearing your own inner world. The one world you are sure to always live in and have some control over. This looks like sticking your head in the sand pretending its not happening.

Not too appealing?

The other choice is to hold the higher ground and be the new paradigm we are moving into.

Your child is coming for love. He/she has chosen you as the perfect vessel to mould their soul and take the world forwards in love not fear. You matter. You count. You are important.

Your child is asking for that new world to start with you.

The first environment your child knows is your womb. Your child will be cocooned in your womb for 9 months, a formative time in which your child learns all about the outside world they will inhabit by the state of your inner world as their mother. You are their whole universe for that time. The growing child has little sense of personal boundaries or distinct sense of self. He/she is absorbing your emotions, your patterning, and your belief systems.

So I ask, "What is the energy of your womb right now? Is it alive with the fire of the new way, whole, warm, loving and clear?" If so this dark, cosy, first home will feel warm, loving and safe and your child will be born confident and ready to take on the world.

You may sense instead there are old unaddressed wounds that need taking care of. You might worry how these and your state of being are affecting your unborn child. You may doubt that you are good enough for this job.

But your own inner world is the one world you can definitely do something about. You can take positive action to clear out old stories, out of date programming, your fears and trauma. The old stories of oppression passed down over centuries are ready to go now. Clear these fears, discover the joys of being alive, being a woman, being a mother.  As you transform your inner world, so you transform the first home for your unborn child. As you clear your own fears and doubts about giving birth and move towards a confident, empowered birth, so you transform the way your child will be able to show up in the world. In easing your child’s passage to the physical world, you will be making a significant contribution to the shift this world needs right now.

I invite you to go there now. Go to your womb.

Feel her energy. Feel deeper. Ask her to show you the future, the possibility that is waiting for you and your unborn child when you have released the old and stuck in you.

Do you feel it? Are you ready?

P.S. This may not feel comfortable at first. And I understand. I too stepped right out of my comfort zone by claiming my purpose behind my business publicly. It is not the first time I got brave and pushed the boundaries of comfort. But comfort zones only offer a fleeting and false safety that can be stripped away at any time. Still, you may have got used to comfort. You may not feel in the least bit ready to step out. If so know I too have been there. You may like to read about my un-readiness in starting a blog here and then again the same pattern as the birth of my second son drew near which you can read about here.

What I learnt is there is not some magical right time in the future when you won’t feel any discomfort. The only time that counts is now. You are ready. And I would love the company!

If these words move you please comment and share your feelings as we move forwards creating this new world together.